CHAPTER NINE

A Game of Croquet for the Queen

"My name is Alice, if you please, Your Majesty," nervously answered Alice. She had to use all of her courage and she almost forgot to bow politely. Then she realized they were only a pack of cards, after all. She thought, "I needn't be afraid of them."

"And who are these workers?" asked the Queen. She was pointing to the gardeners, who were still laying face-down around the white rose tree they were trying to paint red. Because the pattern on their back sides was the same as all the rest of the pack, she wasn't able to tell whether they were gardeners, soldiers, courtiers, or even three of her own children.

Quite rudely, Alice answered, "How should I know?" She was surprised at her new courage. "It's no business of mine." She continued, not able to stop herself from being impolite.

The Queen turned red with anger and screamed, "Off with her head!"

"Nonsense!" cried Alice loudly. All of a sudden, the Queen became silent.

"Remember, my dear wife," the King whispered to the Queen, "she is just a young girl." He touched her gently on the arm to calm her down.

But it didn't work and the Queen angrily addressed the three gardeners, who were still lying flat on their faces on the ground. "Get up!" she shouted in a loud high voice.

Immediately, Two, Five, and Seven jumped to their feet. They began bowing to the King, the Queen, and all the royal children. After they finished, they started bowing to everyone else, even Alice again.

"What are you doing here by this rose tree?" asked the Queen, as she examined the rose tree carefully, making them very nervous.

"If it pleases Your Majesty," said Two, bending down on one knee as he spoke, "We were just trying—"

"I see!" answered the Queen, extremely angry. She had discovered that the roses had been painted. Immediately she shouted, "Off with their heads!"

With that, the company continued on their walk, but three soldiers stayed behind looking for Two, Five, and Seven. Meanwhile, the unlucky gardeners had rushed to Alice's side for protection.

"Don't worry. Nobody's going to chop off your heads," promised Alice. She quickly hid them in a large pot that stood beside her.

The three soldiers looked all around for a minute or two, but they weren't able to find the gardeners. Finally, they decided to march off after the others.

"Did you cut their heads off?" shouted the Queen so loudly that Alice's ears hurt. "If it pleases you, yes, their heads are gone," the soldiers answered in reply.

"How wonderful," cried the Queen. "Do you know how to play croquet, my dear?"

"Yes," said Alice, glad to be talking about something else after such an unpleasant situation.

"Well, come on then!" roared the Queen. Alice went and joined the royal company.

"Isn't it—isn't it a fine day," said a quiet voice at her side. Alice looked down and saw the White Rabbit looking up at her.

"It most certainly is," said Alice. She was quite happy to speak to the Rabbit, especially as he seemed not to remember who she was. "Where is the Duchess?" Alice asked.

"The Queen's decided to cut her head off," whispered the Rabbit. He looked anxiously over his shoulder, as if he expected to have his own head cut off for speaking about it.

"What for?" asked Alice.

"Because she hit the Queen's ears—" the Rabbit began. Alice couldn't help but give a little scream of laughter. "Oh, do be quiet!" the Rabbit warned, "The Queen will hear you."

But the Queen was too busy setting up the game. "Take your places everyone!" she shouted, and soon the game began.

What a strange croquet court! The field was made completely of edges and lines. It was totally impossible to hit the ball straight.

Besides that, the croquet balls were hedgehogs, and the mallets were real flamingoes. There weren't any arches, so the soldiers had to bend over and stand on their heads and feet to form them.

The Soldiers were the biggest difficulty for Alice. None of them would stand still long enough for her to play the game.

Also, all the players were all playing at once. They didn't wait for their turns, and some started to fight for the hedgehogs, which really should have been balls. All of this made the Queen very upset, and she went marching around yelling, "Off with his head!" and "Off with her head!"

Alice began to feel a little nervous. She was afraid that soon the Queen might look at her and shout, "Off with her head!" "What is to become of me?" she worried, "They seem to really like cutting people's heads off around here. I'm quite amazed that any one is still alive."

She started looking around for a way to escape to someplace safe. "Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to come back to this garden after all," said Alice to herself. But just then, she noticed a strange and curious thing in the air. She watched closely for a minute or two. Then she realized it was a very familiar smile.

"Why, it's the Cheshire Cat." she cried, clapping her hands together in delight, "Now at least I shall have somebody nice to talk to."

"How are things going for you, my dear?" asked the Cat. This took a while for enough of his mouth to appear so that he could speak.

Alice waited until his eyes appeared and then nodded her head. "I don't think it'll be any good speaking to him just yet." she thought, "His ears haven't even arrived yet."

In a minute the whole head appeared, and Alice began to tell him about the croquet game. "It's not played very fairly at all." she complained, "They don't seem to have any rules so everyone's fighting all the time. Also, you have the smallest idea how confusing it is having all the equipment in this game alive. For example, just look at the arch I've got to go through next. It's walking around at the other end of the field!"

"Do you like the Queen?" whispered the Cat.

"Not in the least," replied Alice. "She's so very—Luckily, she just noticed the Queen standing right behind her, listening. Alice continued, "likely to win, that it's hardly worth finishing the game."

The Queen only smiled and happily walked by.

"Who is it you are talking to?" asked the King. Standing beside Alice, he looked with great curiosity at the Cat's head.

Alice proudly replied, "Allow me to introduce the Cheshire Cat to you, Sir."

"I don't like the way he looks at all," said the King. "However, if he likes, he may kiss my hand."

"I'd rather not, if you please," the Cat remarked.

"Don't be so uncivilized," commanded the King, "and don't look at me in that way." For some reason the King stood behind Alice as he spoke, as if he were afraid.

"I've heard that a cat can look at a king," said Alice. "I've read it before, perhaps even in a book, but I don't remember where."

"Well, I won't stand for such rude behavior," cried the King. "I am the King, after all," He said with great authority. "My dear," he called to the Queen. "I wish you would get rid of this cat."

The Queen, who was just passing by at that moment, cried, "Off with his head!" without even looking around.

Eagerly the King hurried off, saying, "I'll fetch a soldier and see to it myself."

Alice thought it best to go back and see how the croquet game was coming along, but the players were even more confused than before. As a last try, she put her flamingo, who was always moving about and trying to escape, under her arm. But she noticed that a large crowd was standing around the Cheshire Cat. She could hear an argument happening between the soldier, the King, and the Queen. They were all talking at once, while the crowd remained silent.

When they saw Alice approaching, they rushed to her side to tell her their side of the argument, begging her to make a decision. Unfortunately because they all talked at once, Alice couldn't understand a word that was said.

The soldier argued that it was impossible to cut off a head without having a body. He stated quite strongly that he had never before done such a thing, and that he wasn't going to start doing it at this time of his life, either.

The King argued that anything with a head could have its head cut off. Whether or not it had a body made no difference at all. The Queen kept shouting that if something wasn't done soon, she would start cutting off everyone's head. When she said this, the whole party became very silent and worried.

Alice couldn't think of anything else to say but, "I think the Cat belongs to the Duchess. You should go and ask her about it."

"But she's in prison!" the Queen said to the soldier, "Well, if it will help end this matter quickly, then fetch her here." And the soldier quickly shot off like an arrow.

Yet the Cat's head began to fade away once the soldier had left. By the time the soldier had returned with the Duchess, the Cat's head was completely gone. The King and the soldier started to run everywhere looking for it, all the while shouting, "Where is it? Where is it?" The rest of the party, seeing that no one's head was getting cut off, went back to play croquet.

(end of section)